I hate to make my first post a complaining one, but this is why i set up this blog. i’m grouchy because i’m not getting enough sleep, i’m trying to get over a sinus infection, been taking on a lot at work, and having too personal conversations (that i really should learn to avoid).
A question came up this week that got me thinking way too much. Got me doubting my choices in life and my current contentment. I got depressed. And why?! Why did i let it affect me so much?!
Question: Don’t you want a baby?
answer: “no… that would require having sex.” which as i’m going through a divorce at the moment and not even dating is not happening right now… so having a child in the near future has not even crossed my mind in over a year. and if i were to try it would have to be very soon, since i’m already closer to 40 than 30.
now… why don’t i want a baby? i had to think about it. i couldn’t answer cleverly at the time because i was confused that he would even ask. as if he were offering? no way. because he has a baby that means everybody should want a baby?
i started reading a book a Facebook friend posted about the day before (coincidence?): “Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision not to Have Kids“… and after i had time to think, this is what i figured out for myself. I’m scared. I don’t hate children. for a while i thought that i did want children, but i wanted to have “his” children. I wanted babies to make my man happy because he wanted children, and because i thought he’d be a great father, not because i thought i would be a great mother. I like other peoples children, but having my own is terrifying. first, i’d have to try to get pregnant. but what if there’s something wrong with me? will the man leave if i can’t pop babies out when he wants them? what if all my eggs are junk? what if i do get pregnant then have a miscarriage? what if i have the baby and there’s something wrong with it and it’s my fault? what if it gets sick and dies? and ultimately…. its a whole life that belongs to somebody else that i can screw up. my child would probably need to go to therapy because of my bad parenting if i don’t kill them accidentally before they grow up. plus, aren’t there enough people in this crappy world? over population and society falling apart? who wants to bring somebody innocent into a place like this? not me.
Fear. Fear of dating. fear of getting my heartbroken. fear of looking for a baby-daddy and not finding one. why do i want to go out there again? i’ve never dated, not really. most of my boyfriends were my friends first and a relationship just kinda happened. i’m not excited about meeting strangers. i’m an introvert with extrovert tendencies. i love my friends, but don’t need to see them all the time. what i really love is stuff that doesn’t involve a lot of interaction: reading, watching tv and movies, walking the dog, and running. but then again, i do love crowds because it’s very easy to be invisible when there’s so many other interesting people around. nobody notices you, which is a lot safer than being in a small group.
growing up, did you dream about getting married, having a family and a big house? I didn’t. i didn’t think i’d ever get married, but then i did… and that didn’t last too long (not surprising). i always thought i’d get a good job, move out of my parents house, take care of myself and have a dog. and i did. and i am. and i’m happy.
so. after all of that, my answer is now “no, i’d rather adopt a dog.” My doggy gives me unconditional love. She also gives me enough anxiety with her health issues and age and just general well being that i don’t need a human child. I get enough stress and love from my furry baby to feel needed and content.
though, never say never.
that said, don’t tell me that my decision is wrong. don’t tell me not to think like that. this is how i feel and just because you feel differently doesn’t mean i’m wrong and need to change. you can be happy with your decision and i can be happy with mine. don’t judge me and i won’t judge you.
I need to go for a run.