why do I find it easier to write a long, personal blog post rather than tell somebody my problems or feelings? Mostly, the introvert in me thinks that sending these thoughts and feelings out into the ether that is the Internet will give me anonymity. Yes, I post a link on my Facebook page, but my FB friends also have lots of friends and really… Do you read everything everybody posts on FB? I try to, but I don’t know that everything pops up on my new feed. I don’t assume anybody will read it and care much. They might make a comment or two, but they’ll forget about it soon enough. There’s so many other things to see on FB (like videos of friends’ kids and pictures of cats and dogs and crap like that). I’ve even been asked if I actually write these blog posts, or did I just copy an article. Is my writing not believable? Maybe because I don’t write like how I talk? It doesn’t sound like me?
Writing this blog is easy too, because I can write over a course of days or even weeks! There’s no pressure. Not like in a conversation. Introvert doesn’t like being asked hard questions and being expected to answer immediately. People are sometimes so difficult! Even the ones I like. It’s like taking tests all the time. What’s the answer? I didn’t study for this! I don’t know….
I do have a personal journal that I keep and actually write in with a pen and everything, but that stays home. My phone, on the other hand, is always with me. If I have a thought, I can jot it down. Save it for later publishing. Or immediately send it out if I’m feeling super spontaneous!
And then, there’s the therapeutic part of writing. It’s like I’m actually talking to my therapist. I’m telling my side of a story. It involves me and my feelings. I can open up without being judged… Well, there’s always the fear of being judged, but it doesn’t happen right away like it does in everyday life. The delay in the judgment makes it less important, so it doesn’t make me upset as much as letting all the crazy thoughts run around in my head. If I write it, read it, and send it out into the vast expanse… I feel a weight lifted off of me. It’s not the same as writing in my journal that nobody is going to read. I can’t really explain why. I’ve tried. Lots of things are in my journal… But the really important things that nag at me and keep me up at night need to be in the blog. Weird. Maybe I need people to see me? The me that hides deep down inside. The introvert that doesn’t want to come out, but has so many things she needs to share with the world.
Maybe I do need the validation, too. To know that I’m not the only one dealing with these problems (whatever may be bothering me at the time). And that I have somebody in my corner, backing me up (even if it’s a stranger). I only directly send my blog posts to a couple of my friends so I can make sure they read it… Probably, because I know I already have their support.
So, this blog will continue to be a mish mash of my fun food and running adventures… And my thoughts and feelings. Joy and seriousness. That’s me: the hangry runner.