Why would you ask me that?

I hate to make my first post a complaining one, but this is why i set up this blog.  i’m grouchy because i’m not getting enough sleep, i’m trying to get over a sinus infection, been taking on a lot at work, and having too personal conversations (that i really should learn to avoid).

A question came up this week that got me thinking way too much.  Got me doubting my choices in life and my current contentment.  I got depressed.  And why?!  Why did i let it affect me so much?!

Question:  Don’t you want a baby?

answer: “no… that would require having sex.” which as i’m going through a divorce at the moment and not even dating is not happening right now… so having a child in the near future has not even crossed my mind in over a year.  and if i were to try it would have to be very soon, since i’m already closer to 40 than 30.

now… why don’t i want a baby?  i had to think about it.  i couldn’t answer cleverly at the time because i was confused that he would even ask.  as if he were offering?  no way.  because he has a baby that means everybody should want a baby?

i started reading a book a Facebook friend posted about the day before (coincidence?): “Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision not to Have Kids“… and after i had time to think, this is what i figured out for myself.  I’m scared.  I don’t hate children.  for a while i thought that i did want children, but i wanted to have “his” children.  I wanted babies to make my man happy because he wanted children, and because i thought he’d be a great father, not because i thought i would be a great mother.  I like other peoples children, but having my own is terrifying.  first, i’d have to try to get pregnant.  but what if there’s something wrong with me?  will the man leave if i can’t pop babies out when he wants them?  what if all my eggs are junk?  what if i do get pregnant then have a miscarriage?  what if i have the baby and there’s something wrong with it and it’s my fault?  what if it gets sick and dies?   and ultimately…. its a whole life that belongs to somebody else that i can screw up.  my child would probably need to go to therapy because of my bad parenting if i don’t kill them accidentally before they grow up.  plus, aren’t there enough people in this crappy world?  over population and society falling apart?  who wants to bring somebody innocent into a place like this?  not me.

Fear.  Fear of dating.  fear of getting my heartbroken.  fear of looking for a baby-daddy and not finding one.  why do i want to go out there again?  i’ve never dated, not really.  most of my boyfriends were my friends first and a relationship just kinda happened.  i’m not excited about meeting strangers.  i’m an introvert with extrovert tendencies.  i love my friends, but don’t need to see them all the time.  what i really love is stuff that doesn’t involve a lot of interaction:  reading, watching tv and movies, walking the dog, and running.  but then again, i do love crowds because it’s very easy to be invisible when there’s so many other interesting people around.  nobody notices you, which is a lot safer than being in a small group.

growing up, did you dream about getting married, having a family and a big house?  I didn’t.  i didn’t think i’d ever get married, but then i did… and that didn’t last too long (not surprising).  i always thought i’d get a good job, move out of my parents house, take care of myself and have a dog.  and i did.  and i am.  and i’m happy.

so.  after all of that, my answer is now “no, i’d rather adopt a dog.”  My doggy gives me unconditional love.  She also gives me enough anxiety with her health issues and age and just general well being that i don’t need a human child.  I get enough stress and love from my furry baby to feel needed and content.

though, never say never.

that said, don’t tell me that my decision is wrong.  don’t tell me not to think like that.  this is how i feel and just because you feel differently doesn’t mean i’m wrong and need to change.  you can be happy with your decision and i can be happy with mine.  don’t judge me and i won’t judge you.

I need to go for a run.

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2 thoughts on “Why would you ask me that?

  1. *hugs* I so hear you. On kind of all levels.
    It seems to be a typical thing that at some point people start asking you why you haven’t got children and then get irritated if you state you just don’t (I’m not in a relationship, how am I supposed to produce a child, eh?) or that you’re not super-wild about having one right now (or ever) or whatever it is. Thing is: It’s everyone’s own decision. End of story. You can have one, you can have 9, you can have none. You can have none but a dog instead. Your decision. Your life. Your home. Your decisions. πŸ™‚
    I tend to say I’m lucky I didn’t end up staying in the Czech Republic (I was born there but mum and me ran away in 1983, to Switzerland, refugees and all). There is the tendency to have to produce children from the age of 18 on. Main target: Marry, have children. If you don’t, people ask you why you don’t and obviously there’s something wrong with you and also your opinion is wrong. I’d have gone nuts by now had I stayed living there. Or I’d have had a couple of unhappy marriages and a couple of children resulting from this who may or may not have been unhappy.
    ANYWAY.
    Your decision. πŸ™‚ I’ll never ask you that question.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Marta! I’m glad we both live in a world where we can decide what we want to do with our lives for ourselves. And I don’t mind being asked the question as long as you understand my answer and don’t belittle me for it. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Hugs to you and mum!

      Like

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